I'm coming back

I’m coming back
I haven’t put a lot of energy in to my blog of late.  I just haven’t had the strength to write about anything.  Now I’m starting to come out of my emotional funk  I’ve learned a few difficult things.  I’ve had to face some old questions that I have yet to answer.

Why?  Why do I try serve God?  Why do I seek knowledge and wisdom?  Why do I attempt to invest in other people?  Why did I join with others in this house church?  Why do I write and attempt to challenge others?

Is it because I love God?

This week God came through for me in a big way.  He rescued me from a whole host of irrational fears and anxiety.  I leave the experience strangley convicted.  Why is it I don’t care that much about God when things are going well?  When things are rough I ask in quiet desperation for relief from the consequences of my own failures and frailty.  Then when God does rescue me His importance faces in to the background.

I’m rethinking my own level of sincerity.  I don’t want to become paralyzed by over analyzing but I think it’s is time I think through some things.

I once believed I truly loved God.  Is it love or is it the idea of being on God’s side.  Am I actually serving my concept of truth and justice and applying God’s name to it?  I have this sense in my heart that much of what I talk about is very secondary to what truly matters.   I’m not sure how to talk about what really matters.  

Another thing I’m learning is that I’m much weaker than I think I am.  I’ve always wanted to be this stalwart bastion of truth and justice that can not be detered.  The truth is I need people more than I realize and I don’t want to need people because I don’t want to trust them.  I think I’m beginning to realize that I can’t make it through this life by myself.  This doesn’t mean I’m looking to get married right away, it means that I think I’m holding some of my cards a little too close and I need to learn how to rely on others. 

  1. #1 by Randall on November 21, 2003 - 2:24 am

    Keep being honest with yourself.

    I’m still praying for you.

  2. #2 by Toni on November 21, 2003 - 2:55 am


    I could also be that you DO think about things a bit too much. You’ve talked before about the mystical aspects of God. IMO trying to rationalise a relationship is a hiding to nothing. Accepting it and moving forward in it seems to be a lot more fruitful. That doesn’t mean stop thinking, but it does mean that you could ease off trying to plumb the un-plumbable.

    I dunno why God loves me either – I’m certainly not particularly nice. But He does, and I’m content with that.

  3. #3 by Darryl on November 21, 2003 - 8:32 am

    Thanks for sharing your struggles. God is using your honesty.

  4. #4 by LInea on November 21, 2003 - 8:44 am

    “I’m not sure how to talk about what really matters.”

    Not sure if any of us do. But we learn a lot from you sharing honestly with us because we are in the same kind of spots more often than you know.

    I guess that is why we need others so much and have to learn to rely on them. It is hard to learn to trust others but I don’t think God intended us to live without some community support.

  5. #5 by robbymac on November 21, 2003 - 9:55 am

    When I was 19, I was living with a family where the mother always used the expression “he/she really loves the Lord”.

    I was used to hearing it phrased like “they’re a ‘strong’ or ‘committed’ Christian”. Hearing it phrased in the words “loves the Lord” got me thinking — alot — about why I serve and what my relationship with God is really like.

    This is a cool time for you — not easy, but fruitful in the long run. You’re in my prayers. And that’s not just pious Christian jargon — I am really praying for you!

  6. #6 by Paul on November 22, 2003 - 12:47 pm

    Transparency such as this is uncommon. Thank you.

    My buddy Kreeft has said, “Some people are more in love with the idea of loving God, than with actually loving God (paraphrased).” I wonder at times what or who I am actually in love with.

    I am a huge Bruce Willis fan, but I probably enjoy the idea of knowing him more than actually knowing him if I were to get the chance. I guess this is just another way we try to protect ourselves from being let down or disappointed. We enjoy the idea of a relationship instead of a relationship. The idea of a relationship is something that we have total control over, but relationships are usually out-of-control. Perhaps when they are brought under control they cease to be a relationship…

    Thanks for getting me thinking.

  7. #7 by Justin Baeder on November 24, 2003 - 9:52 pm

    Hang in there.

    I’m reminded of a concept that’s applied most often to marriage, but applies equally well to a relationship with God:

    Love comes and goes. It’s commitment that gets you through, that really counts.

    Regardless of whether you love God or only feel like you like to be on God’s side – the important thing, in the long haul, is that you stay on God’s side.

    Loving God because of what He does for you may not be the highest of motivations, but none of us start with or keep the highest motivations at the forefront of our faith. Nor is it a requirement that we do.

    I affirm your inquiry into this question. Keep searching. I’m praying for you.

  8. #8 by Mitch Tulloch on November 24, 2003 - 11:27 pm

    Your last paragraph is spot on, Leighton, thanks for your refreshing honesty. I still remember a time when God spoke to me through Rev 3:8 “I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name” (NIV). That phrase “I know that you have little strength” really *bothered* me, because at the time I felt I was a gifted individual and was called to significant leadership of some sort in the Church. But God was right and over the next few years I gradually realized I’m no anointed end-times apostle or Great Man of God but simply an ordinary disciple, and a bloody poor one at that–but one who hasn’t given up.

    So don’t give up 🙂

  9. #9 by markio on November 25, 2003 - 5:42 pm


    Your seeking is a sign that directs to your love of God. Your questions, your passions and efforts are what define “success” in your life. You hate the word but it is what we all want. We want God to say well done and I believe God is saying that to you whether you hear it or not.

    You walk a different path from many, not better, not worse, different. It is you trying to be you. You are trying to be the man that God wants you to be. You are living out your passions and even if they don’t deliver everything you hoped, they rarely do for anybody. I honestly believe that everything you’ve done of late has been out of a devotion and a love for God. Is any one of our devotions pure? No. But even if you change your mind about what it means to follow God in this life, I believe that you have sought to live out your convictions today. May the Lord change them if he wants but I believe it is the same love that drives you that drives others to dance.

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