I’m coming back
I haven’t put a lot of energy in to my blog of late. I just haven’t had the strength to write about anything. Now I’m starting to come out of my emotional funk I’ve learned a few difficult things. I’ve had to face some old questions that I have yet to answer.
Why? Why do I try serve God? Why do I seek knowledge and wisdom? Why do I attempt to invest in other people? Why did I join with others in this house church? Why do I write and attempt to challenge others?
Is it because I love God?
This week God came through for me in a big way. He rescued me from a whole host of irrational fears and anxiety. I leave the experience strangley convicted. Why is it I don’t care that much about God when things are going well? When things are rough I ask in quiet desperation for relief from the consequences of my own failures and frailty. Then when God does rescue me His importance faces in to the background.
I’m rethinking my own level of sincerity. I don’t want to become paralyzed by over analyzing but I think it’s is time I think through some things.
I once believed I truly loved God. Is it love or is it the idea of being on God’s side. Am I actually serving my concept of truth and justice and applying God’s name to it? I have this sense in my heart that much of what I talk about is very secondary to what truly matters. I’m not sure how to talk about what really matters.
Another thing I’m learning is that I’m much weaker than I think I am. I’ve always wanted to be this stalwart bastion of truth and justice that can not be detered. The truth is I need people more than I realize and I don’t want to need people because I don’t want to trust them. I think I’m beginning to realize that I can’t make it through this life by myself. This doesn’t mean I’m looking to get married right away, it means that I think I’m holding some of my cards a little too close and I need to learn how to rely on others.