Archive for August, 2014

How being nice and loving can be two different things

I was once at a conference talking about how loving one another is the most important ministry we have to each other. It is a value I hold to firmly. Once someone objected to this saying we can’t just be loving all the time, that sometimes we have to be tough and be prepared to hurt a few feelings. In a sense I didn’t disagree, I just don’t see how it is inconsistent to love someone and be tough with them. Loving someone means be tough after other options have failed, and especially when other people are being hurt. It also means telling people when they are wrong.

The nice thing to do is to let stuff slide. When a mistake is just a mistake letting stuff slide is a loving and merciful thing to do. Being and nice and loving often overlap. However when a mistake has substantial negative consequences letting it slide is a very unloving thing to do. It is short sighted thinking. Sweeping things under the rug avoids the potential hurt from a confrontation now but it increases the risk of much more hurt later. Integrity calls us to think not just of ourselves and the person we might need to challenge but all the people connected with a situation.

When a culture of niceness becomes deeply embedded in a community conflict starts to leak out in less direct ways. Direct conflict is replaced with passive aggressive actions. When people share concerns they are vague and generalized making it truly difficult to find out what exactly is going on. I was part of one community where half of all issues raised were “communication” problems. I was given the task of finding a technological solution to the “communication” problems. When I set out to discover the real world examples I found that people just weren’t doing their jobs. It is nicer to generalize things as a communication issue. Needless to say, nothing I could think of would have solved the problem.

Another terrible symptom of the niceness culture is over sensitization. People know full well that no one will directly challenge them, so they are on high alert for any decision or comment that just might be veiled criticism or a veiled attack on them. People who tend to speak and act passive aggressively often believe everyone else operates as they do. Heaven help the poor schlep who actually speaks his mind directly and over sensitive people everywhere start to freak out. I’ve found myself in that situation. I tend to mean what I say, and say what I mean. If I’m going to be critical, I’ll be critical and say exactly what I mean. That doesn’t stop people from dragging me kicking in to crazy town.

When a niceness culture dominates it undermines any semblance of accountability and left unchecked it can kill an organization or a community. There is no real accountability when everyone is afraid to hurt someone’s feelings. Without accountability small problems become big problems. People are left in dysfunctional patterns and leave a trail of wounded souls in their wake.

When it comes down to it the culture of niceness isn’t very nice at all.

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