Archive for August, 2001

Have you ever been scared?

Not that long ago, I made the decision to put my web programming career to the side go back to bible school and pursue full time ministry. I stunned a few of my friends, my employeer and myself. I’ve attained a certain status in my career, and not to mention a decent salary. I’m giving it up, trusting in the Lord, that he would provide all the necessary finances to go to school. I have put this plan in to motion, but I am scared.

Despite taking an act of faith I am beset by anxiety and worries. I can clearly see how everything can work out, but still I’m so nervous. I absolutely hate not being at rest about everything in my life. I like it when my head hits the pillow and I sleep almost instantly because there is nothing disconcerting on my mind.

I’ve been here before. Somewhere somehow God gave me the faith to get through a real dry spell. I hope that I can carry the same faith I was supplied with back then. Even in times of faith I doubt. What if I’ve deceived myself because there is something I don’t like about the apparent alternative? What if I’m simply serving myself and pretending I’m listening to God? What about all the people I’m affecting? Why doesn’t what I’m doing make sense!? Ugh!!!!

In particular I hate that feeling of nervous energy that seems to follow you. It wears at you, makes it harder to eat and rest. I hope I’m doing the right thing.

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